Teaching manners to children, part 1

 A couple of weeks ago I was asked to blog a bit on teaching manners to children, specifically table manners. This is such a large topic that, well . . . . You see how long it has taken me to get my thoughts in presentable order. Actually, to keep from succumbing to the perfectionist demon, this is going to wind up being a series of sorts. I’ll add to it as I’m able to and as interest in this conversation warrants it.

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First, definitions!

When we’re talking about something like table manners for children, there are lots of terms we might use that are related but don’t mean exactly the same thing. Is etiquette the same thing as manners? Are manners and courtesy the same?

I’m going to begin with Courtesy, because I think it’s the larger idea. In this context, I’m going to use courtesy to include politeness, good manners, and respect, with the overall goal of treating one another the way we ought to treat fellow bearers of the image of God. Courtesy is a demeanor and an attitude as much as an action or set of actions. In this sense, courtesy is a virtue that people in all times and places must strive to embody.

Manners are the actions we take in relation to the people we’re with and circumstances we’re in. Good manners are things we do that display the virtue of courtesy—practical ways of treating other people with respect, humility, and good humor. It is important to remember that what is considered good manners varies from one culture and even one sub-culture to another.

Etiquette is a formal or customary code that describes correct behavior in various social and business settings, and is specific to those settings. What I mean is that proper etiquette at a wedding is not necessarily the same as proper etiquette at a beach party. Proper wording of a text message is not the same as proper wording of a business letter, and neither is the same as an email to a friend.

Another word you might see around is Protocol, which is a formal set of procedures. I don’t use it often, and might not use it at all in this series, because it mostly refers to diplomacy and treaties and matters of state. When I do use it at home, it’s in an almost medical or technological sense. I have protocols for handling raw meat and fresh produce. When we had dairy goats, I had strict protocols for handling the milk because we drank it raw and I wanted to be sure it was clean.

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Now, something practical.

Because manners and etiquette are necessarily tied to culture, spend the next few days noticing what is considered good manners in your own community, including the families you and your spouse were raised in. 

There are two reasons for doing this. One is so that you can be sure that you and your kids aren’t accidentally coming off as rude when you’re at church or grandmother’s house. The other is so that you can identify differences between your community’s and your own expectations, and begin thinking about how to handle that.

Your turn!

What do you think of these definitions?

Would you alter or add to anything I’ve said here?

I haven’t even mentioned decorum, propriety, civility, and others that came to mind after I finished this. Should we talk about those ideas?

What questions do you have?