Teaching manners to children, 3: Earliest stages

As I mentioned in my last post, because I believe in the power of seeing various examples, I’m going to be writing about what my own family did. No family is perfect, least of all mine, and no family will be facing exactly the same circumstances yours is, but still, it’s always helpful when trying to wrap your mind around a dauntingly huge idea to see it incarnated in various ways.

Part 1: Definitions
Part 2: Basic principles

Part 3: Before I started thinking about formal training

My first child was an extraordinarily easy child in this department. If you know anything about Myers-Briggs stuff, she’s an ISTP: Introverted Thinking, Extroverted Sensing. As is typical of babies of this type, she reached all of the developmental milestones way ahead of schedule, had fantastic fine motor skills, and was very independent.

When she was an infant, if she happened to be awake during a meal, I’d lay her on a blanket nearby so she could move around to her heart’s content, but still be close enough that I could keep an eye on her. That really only lasted about three months though, because she always wanted to be up where she could see whatever was happening. She was able to sit up on her own when she was three months old, so at mealtime I started putting her in her swing, which was located where she could see most of what went on in our little, open-plan apartment.

By the time she was ten months old, Eldest Daughter was sitting at the table with us and quietly feeding herself her own bits of food, one pea at a time. If she ever made messes, I don’t remember it. She was quiet and happily occupied herself, so mealtimes were pretty effortless. Mostly, Mike and I chatted, and I’d keep an eye on her to make sure she actually got enough to eat. She was very patient, but she tired of feeding herself before she’d eaten enough to last more than an hour, so I’d casually offer her a spoonful of food every once in a while. After the meal I’d give her a bottle to make sure she was adequately cuddled and filled. (She quit nursing when she was six months old—I’m pretty sure my milk production was inadequate, but that’s another topic.)

 When #1 Son came along, I would put his baby seat on the table with us at mealtime, if he wasn’t napping then. It was important to me that he be part of our family culture, especially meals, from the earliest possible days. Looking back on it, maybe this made mealtime pleasant for the children, because they were there with us enjoying fellowship long before meals became something where correct behavior was expected of them.

For this reason I believe that there’s no such thing as a child being too young to begin training in manners and courtesy. It begins by your example long before they’re capable of anything but enjoying being with you.

Eldest Daughter was nineteen months old by then, and mealtime training wasn’t much more than trying to get her in the habit of putting her sippy cup down above her plate, so that it was well away from the edge of the table. This is an example of beginning with the end in mind. Sure, it wouldn’t be terrible if she accidentally knocked her sippy cup onto the floor, but I wanted to start early teaching her a habit that would allow her to use a grown-up cup without needing to learn new table habits.

If she forgot, I would either remind her where it belonged or move it there myself without comment, because at that stage the only rule I had was that I did NOT want there to be Issues surrounding mealtimes. But if you think about it, that was a rule for myself rather than for my children.

I want to address what I mean by “Issues surrounding mealtimes,” but I’m going to save that for the next post. First I need to say something about atmosphere, because I think this is crucial. 

My husband’s work schedule was pretty crazy in those early years. He’d work the day shift (6:00am-2:00pm) for four days, have two days off, then work the swing shift (2:00-10:00pm) for four days, have two off, then go back to the day shift, all year long, including weekends and holidays. Every once in a while he’d have to work the midnight shift.

Because Mike’s shifts were so crazy, I worked hard to have a stable routine at home. I’m a firm believer that the home is meant to be a sanctuary, and a sanctuary must be peaceful, and for there to be peace, there must be order. I’m also a lover of comfort and beauty, so I don’t mean for my emphasis on order to imply that I ran a militarily regimented household.

Believe me, it was nothing like that!

I just mean that for my own peace of mind I needed to have regular mealtimes and bedtimes, regular times for running errands and being home, regular times for chores, stories, and playing.

This turned out to be a profound blessing in raising children, because as it happens, children also desperately need this kind of predictable, peaceful environment.

So everything that I’m saying about how I did things happened in this context of peace and comfort.

This is so important that if you’re struggling with your children’s mealtime behavior, I’d encourage you to take a hard look at the rest of their day. Is it characterized by peace or by chaos? If it’s the latter, your task is going to be far more difficult than simply teaching your children to listen when the grown-ups are speaking, say please and thank you, and not make messes with their food.

To be continued . . .