Teaching manners to children, 5: How to have interesting and uninterrupted adult conversations in the presence of children

This one rule will shock you.

Heh. How’s that for a click-baity title?

Recap:
In Part 1 we discussed definitions, and the fact that manners are part of the culture we belong to.
In Part 2 we discussed basic principles and the need to model good table manners to our kids.
In Part 3 we discussed establishing a pleasant environment in the home so that mealtimes are an extension of that atmosphere.
In Part 4 we discussed not creating food-related issues as a major factor in making meals pleasant for all.

Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap, if we do not lose heart.
Galatians 6:9

I feel very strongly about this one rule I’m going to share with you for several reasons.

1. It makes supper a pleasant time for Daddy and Mama to catch up on the day, and to have adult conversations with each other and with dinner guests.

2. It makes supper an adult activity that we allow our children to participate in, which gives them something to aspire to.

3. It provides ample opportunity for the children to SEE what adult meal-time behavior looks like, and to imitate it.

4. It provides ample opportunity for the children to HEAR what adult meal-time conversation is like, and to imitate it.

5. Even from younger ages, our children appreciated the fact that when we had adult guests they were never relegated to a Kids Table, but got to listen to our talk, which was far more interesting than anything that ever happened at a Kids Table.

But before I get to the rule (and I’m sorry it’s taking so long to get around to it) I need to explain what brought it about. You’ll see in a bit why I’m taking such a circuitous route. Also, I want to acknowledge that if you’re a single-parent family the situation will be much different and much more difficult for you. In the next post I’ll try to address that situation from my limited perspective as a military wife who had long spells of parenting alone.

In Part 3 I mentioned Mike’s crazy shifts, so you can imagine how hard it was in the evening and at bedtime when he was working and I was home alone with three-and-a-half-year-old Eldest Daughter, two-year-old #1 Son, and newborn Mosey. Thankfully, around this time he was put into a position with more sensible hours: 7:30-4:30, Monday through Friday. We had a wonderful routine during those days. Mike would come home and play with the children while I made supper, then after supper, he’d give the two oldest their baths and get them ready for bed while I washed up, nursed the baby, and got her ready for bed.

I say “wonderful,” because it was wonderful for me and the kids. But it was hard on Mike, coming home from work tired and needing to spend the next few hours interacting with little children before he finally had some down time. Don’t get me wrong—he’s a fun daddy and good with the kids, but one evening when we sat down at the table, for whatever reason (I’ve asked him and he doesn’t remember what motivated it) he said that he did not want the kids to be talking during supper.

I thought he was just especially tired that evening, so I did my best to shush them. They weren’t rowdy kids by any means, but the two eldest have always been best friends and they were used to talking to each other and to us, so it was kind of challenging to keep saying, “Daddy’s tired. You need to be quiet.”

This scenario was repeated the next night, and the next . . . until I finally realized he really meant he didn’t want them talking at supper EVER.

I was not a little annoyed.

I thought he was being ridiculous, and tried to talk him out of it.

In the end, this was so important to him that I decided to figure out how to make it work.

Parenthetical comment here. Remember last time when I said I had no qualms about enforcing my table rules? I listed two reasons. I actually thought of listing a third, but decided to save it for this post, and it’s this: As the mistress of this home I have real authority in my domain, and what goes on at the dinner table is just one of those areas. I point this out because I don’t want y’all to think that my husband is some kind of chauvinist, but I hope I don’t make the opposite mistake of making myself look like a harridan—I tend to wear my authority lightly; anything else wouldn’t be dignified. Mike and I get along pretty well and our kids think we’re cute, so I guess we’re okay in this area. ;-)

Also, please keep in mind everything I’ve said before about nurture and comfort and love. That didn’t go out the window just because I found myself needing to enforce a fairly strict rule.

But how in the world was I going to make it work?

Turns out I had a decent place to start, which was serendipitous. I had worked for two years between high school and college, and one of those jobs was in after-school care at a private Christian school. I arrived at noon when kindergarten let out, took the kids out for recess, then back in for lunch and naptime, then stayed till the parents had picked them all up in the evening.

Now, at this time, my little sister was in the second grade at the other elementary school in this system, and I knew that at lunch break the students weren’t allowed to speak for the first five minutes of the meal. Kids that age will get distracted by talking and forget to eat all their lunch until it’s too late, so this was a sensible rule. Those five minutes gave the students enough time to focus on eating so that their 20 minutes in the lunch room was adequate. Knowing that my five-year-olds would be subject to this rule when they went to first grade the following year, I decided it would be a good idea for them to practice it, so that they wouldn’t have to learn new lunch-time habits when they moved up.

I don’t remember when I first started having my own children do this. Was it when the first two got old enough to start talking to each other a lot? Was it when I needed to start training them to be quiet during supper? I’m really not sure, but the important point is that I had a small way to begin the training—just the first five minutes of breakfast and lunch, which were our meal-training times. That one small thing gave a little victory twice each day on which to build. The more faithfully I adhered to that five-minute rule, the easier it got for them to keep silent at supper.

The next thing I had to teach them was that I really would take care of their needs. All they had to do was wait for me to notice and ask them whether they would like more of this or that, to which they were allowed to reply either, “Yes, please,” or “No, thank you.” Having a script really simplifies things.

Nowadays this seems like such a radical rule, and like I said earlier, I was upset with Mike when he wanted me to enforce it, but really it wasn’t terribly different from the way things were when we were growing up in the 70s, in my family’s social circle, at least. No one had the old “children are to be seen and not heard” rule, of course, but still, we just didn’t gab and act goofy when we were doing adult things, and dinner-time was definitely an adult thing.

Again, I want to point out that I’m just describing what worked for us, not laying down rules for other families.

But at the same time, I’d really encourage you all to consider instituting something like this, just at dinner. Or rather, at the meal where both of the parents are present, whatever time of day that happens.

Unexpected blessings

Remember what I said about imitation before? Because they spent years simply listening, when they turned twelve years old and were officially allowed to participate in the conversation, they knew how to have a sensible meal-time conversation with adults.

Then, because they couldn’t speak up I had to make sure that I was paying attention to their needs so I could offer seconds when they’d finished everything, or whatever was needed, another blessing was that they learned to wait patiently for me to notice and take care of their needs. I can’t claim that this is the sole reason my kids have such trust in me, my judgement, and my love for them, but surely it was one of the building blocks.

Another thing—and this actually means less work for Mom—was that since they were just eating and listening and watching, there were many things that I never had to directly train them to do. They just picked up on them because they saw them every single night.

This follows from the last thing, but my youngest three children hardly had to be trained at all. By the time they were born, our family culture was so well established that they just fit right in with it. I say this to encourage those of you who are just starting out, or who are needing to make drastic changes. It’s hard hard work in the beginning, but it really does get easier! Don’t lose heart!

For the next post I’ll try to remember all the practical day-to-day things I did to make this a blessing to all of us, not just to Mike and me. My youngest is fifteen years old and I’ve had very little to do in this area since she was born. It’s astonishing how much you forget of the things that were so large and difficult when the children were all very young.