Afternoon tea for three

The night before
Make loaf of white bread using soy milk - guest is severely allergic to milk and eggs.

The morning of
After eating breakfast, cleaning up kitchen, sending hubby out for forgotten items, nursing baby and putting her down for nap, start bread machine with second loaf of bread, bake birthday cake (to be served with dinner), send 14-year-old and 3-year-old out to garden to pick tomatoes. Have 14-year-old blanch and peel several firm tomatoes, then slice them thin and lay on paper towels to drain. In the meantime, prepare dough for scones, cover with damp cloth and set aside.

Begin preparing sandwiches: slice first loaf of bread thin, butter two slices, put tomates on one slice, sprinkle with salt and pepper, cover with other buttered slice, cut off crusts (feed these to the 3-year-old son and 8-year-old son who are greedily eyeing the loaf), cut sandwich into six dainty pieces. 14-year-old daughter arranges them artfully on plate. Repeat two times.

Take birthday cake out of oven and set aside to cool.

Hubby comes home from shopping. Put away groceries, fix a quick lunch (the birthday girl requested macaroni and cheese - the boxed kind), nurse baby.

One p.m. - the guest arrives
Her mother and two brothers come in with her, bringing a suitcase full of doll things, a doll-sized table and two chairs. 12-year-old son requests that the guest's brothers be allowed to stay so they can go out when Daddy takes all the boys out of the house while the girls have tea. Consent cheerfully. Chat with guest's mother for half an hour or so.

Shoo the menfolk out of the house and put 3-year-old son down for nap, so preparations can resume.

Peel and slice cucumbers, then lay on paper towels to drain. Have 14-year-old rinse and drain watercress. Make four cucumber sandwiches same as tomato sandwiches. Try to find baby in order to put her down for nap. Before panicking, ask birthday girl if she has seen baby. Find out that birthday girl put baby down for nap half an hour ago. Sigh with relief, thank birthday girl, and return to kitchen. Taste watercress, which you've never had before. The stuff tastes like poison! What are people thinking, making sandwiches out of this weed! Make one watercress sandwich anyway, as a concession to tradition. Test one to be sure it won't kill the birthday girl, her sister, or the guest. Find out that watercress sandwiches are quite delicious. Make two more of them.

3:15 p.m
Send birthday girl and guest to set table - this keeps them from eating all the sandwiches in the kitchen. Start boiling water for tea.

3:30 - only one and a half hours after the planned time for tea
Have 14-year-old serve sandwiches and tea. Begin rolling out and cutting scones. Shoo guest back into dining room - the scones will be served after the sandwiches are eaten! Bake three batches of scones. Give dinner bell to guest to ring when she needs something so she will stop coming in the kitchen or shouting for 14-year-old every two minutes. Refill teapot. Serve first batch of scones with non-dairy whipped topping, having been unable to figure out how to make lemon curd or Devonshire cream without eggs and milk. Baby wakes up - birthday girl gets her out of bed and puts her on floor in dining room. Make shortcake. Put baby in swing so she won't eat crumbs off of dining room floor. Consider taking bell away from guest, who rings it every two minutes, in order to teach her how to wait to be served. Decide against it because she is so sweet and 14-year-old is enjoying playing the part of a Cockney kitchen maid. Place shortcake on a warm plate, top with strawberry jam, syrup (sugar-free), and powdered sugar. Serve shortcake. Nurse baby.

4:30 - girls finish tea and go to play with dolls
Begin cleaning up. 3-year-old wakes up from nap and wants snack. Feed him then continue cleaning up. Menfolk arrive home and want snack. Feed them leftovers from tea. Go sit with hubby in living room. Notice how very indifferent your feet and legs feel. Guest's father and oldest brother arrive, but do not want snack - they've been selling Krispy Kreme donuts for a Boy Scouts fundraiser, and are not hungry! Go to kitchen and help 14-year-old clean up.

7:00 - guests have left
Sit on living room floor and stretch legs. Play piano for half an hour to wind down. Nurse baby. Hubby very sweetly asks if he should start the chicken for supper. Consent cheerfully. Doze off nursing baby. Wake up, go to kitchen and make frosting for cake. Hubby and 14-year-old have made delicious chicken/pasta/vegetable dish for supper. 12-year-old has set the table. Sabbath bread is warm - pour wine, turn on Von Weber's clarinet concertos, light candles, bless God, and eat! Give birthday girl her gift. Eat cake and ice cream. Bathe baby, nurse, and put her to bed. Go back to kitchen to clean up, again!

10:45 - finally finished cleaning up!
Understand why those people in Jane Austen's books have a housekeeper, cook, kitchen maid, scullery maid, butler, footman, and nursery maid!